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I worry too much. I sleep too much. I eat too much and I make myself sick. Literally. Too much of everything living with Bipolar 1. Each day brings a new challenge. Each day I fight to  calm the chaos in my head. Decision-making is a chore and making commitments is nearly impossible. I have trouble getting out the door. I stay at home for days on end and knowing that I am wasting my life doesn’t make a difference. I make  plans with good intention but can’t follow through. I have to wait and see how I feel on any given day. This time of year is especially difficult. I do all my Christmas shopping online because I can’t stand all the people. Some are very rude, some nice, but I can’t take the chance of losing my serenity and losing my shit.

The fewer contacts and obstacles I face each day allows me to focus on myself. I don’t date right now for that reason. I don’t have anything to offer anyone. I start to get close and log in on the dating sites and meet people. When they get too close I cut them loose. It’s a protective thing. I don’t need another heartbreak so I keep my distance. It seems like when I am on a date that I am being interrogated. And sometimes I make the mistake of telling the person that I have Bipolar Disorder. That’s all it takes to make them leave. I think there is too much bad publicity out there on the disease. People automatically think “crazy.” the old term “manic-depressive” I believe is intimidating. I knew someone long ago diagnosed with manic depression and she was crazy. With the new medications available along with the medical information available we have a fighting chance. Famous people coming out of he proverbial closet is helping to raise awareness as to what Bipolar is and isn’t. We’re not crazy just some people like myself was misdiagnosed for eleven years. I was being treated for depression for eleven years then finally I wound up in a psychiatric ward in a hospital for two weeks and was properly diagnosed and put on some meds that didn’t make me act or feel out of control. Public awareness is crucial for the people getting help and for those who are afraid to get help. I was afraid at first. All my meds had been taken away from me when I first went into the hospital. I though they were trying to kill me. At least it felt that way. Like I was dying. I make myself sick still by not taking my meds as directed and try cutting down. That’s what doctors are for. I need to follow her orders and stop making myself sick.

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