As much as I would like to fix everyone’s problems, they are not mine to fix. Nobody puts that on me. I do it to myself. It never ends. My mind always has at least a half-dozen things to work on; I mean to fix. It’s hard for me to see a loved one struggle. Some things are just not my business. My “Bipolar brain” is always at work. By that I am referring to the chaos and thoughts scrambling my brains. I can’t shut it off as much as I try. Focusing on myself is difficult because I might have to make some changes and that requires work, a lot of work. I have been in therapy for half of my adult life and I’m thankful for that. I even went to Alanon for about sixteen years. Alanon is a 12 step support group for family and friends of Alcoholics. I was raised around Alcoholism so I learned many unhealthy traits beginning in childhood.
The knowledge I gained in those meeting is invaluable to me. I attended the meetings before I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I had tools to work with in my everyday life but something was still wrong. I had been diagnosed with depression and was being treated for depression. It wasn’t until many years later I was properly diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and given the most effective medication at that time.
I stress out about everything even good things. I have trouble distinguishing between anxiety and excitement. They both feel the same to me. I don’t know how to change that yet, if at all. Asking for help is extremely difficult for me because of my pride. I’m pathologically socially retarded and have trouble making new friends and trying to keep the old friends. That is not going well. Sometimes I wish that they could see inside my head to witness all the gears turning and nothing to switch it off. When I’m in a manic state I get out of control. Not so much in a bad way, but trying to do too much at once and at the same time planning my next project. This may sound crazy but it is my normal. Bottom line is I can only fix myself and only the parts that are broken. I’m healing a little each day with the God’s guidance and the love of my family. I wouldn’t survive without the love and acceptance of my family and friends. I love them all.