For the most part, I have learned to love myself and take better care of my needs over the last few years. Having Bipolar Disorder is a serious mental condition that needs constant attention and by that I mean paying attention to how I am feeling at all times. I tend to ignore my manic symptoms because I feel elated and powerful. It’s a dangerous state of mind. The more I learn about this disease the sooner I can live a somewhat functional life once I know what I am up against. I didn’t love myself enough to take care of what matters to me in my life. I was unusually focused on everything around me and tended to place other’s needs about my own. I focused on everything but me and not realizing I was neglecting the most important person in my life. I embrace who I am today and proud of the accomplishments I have made since my diagnosis fifteen years ago.
On my journey thus far, I have unintentionally hurt many people I love and who love me. I am trying to forgive myself and make amends to others when possible. People can choose to forgive me or not but that is not my responsibility. You know the saying “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.” The best I can do is to do better. When I knew better I did better. For me the important thing to remember is I have to own what I do and say. I have been told on a few occasions that I don’t have a filter and I think that is typical of Bipolar 1. Working on thinking before I speak is part of the journey to forgiving myself and not repeating past mistakes. I feel bad that many of the people I hurt I cannot make amends to either because I don’t know where they are and because some have passed away. I really have no idea where to begin. I think I’ll begin with today.