As the story goes, I cannot in good faith say anymore about her and her struggles. I only need to say that I am still here and am still willing to be your friend because you need me as much as I need you. And Jelly if you disagree I’m up for that too. I am up for the truth!
This story is a sad story like many of my others. I feel sorry for myself at times because I know I’m different. I know I have an illness and I know I have to tools to fight it with too. Sometimes my meds have to be adjusted and sometime I need extra therapy. What I also know is that it’s up to me to make my life a good one. I am doing pretty good so far at my age but find it it difficult to get out and have a good time. My social skills have never been too good although I try to be “a part of” whatever it is that’s happening.
So a friend of mine invited me to spend a weekend. It was a holiday and I was thrilled to get out and live a little. I had a great time. Everything was went well. I hadn’t been out in years. My friend took me around to her hangouts. I felt wanted and felt alive for the first time in years. Things were going well for several weeks and I felt close to her and it was mutual. We shared a lot of stuff from our past, I had know her for many many years. I won’t go into much detail about her because this isn’t about her, it’s about me. I trusted her against my better judgement and wanted to reach out to her because I thought she needed me. I was wrong. She needed her drugs and she disclosed to me that a short while before we got together she tried to kill herself. She’s a trooper but one day she won’t survive whatever she is putting into her veins. She is an IV drug abuser who lost her license to practice many years ago. She is practicing for now until she gets caught again. There is no cure for drug abuse and no cure for Bipolar either. Only treatment. We have so much in common but the truth never surfaces. I hold back because I know it is only ammunition that will be used against me at some later date. I don’t dislike her, I feel sorry for her. In the end she and I will probably both be alone. Addiction is a lonely disease like Bipolar. I am no better then she is and I would never judge her. We are not speaking at the present time, but if she reached out to me, I would be there. I can’t take the lying and masquerading. A mutual friend of ours told me that she is a compulsive liar. I know what that means now. At the time I had no clue. Since we were good friends with this person and whom I trusted, told me “it’s just as easier to lie than to tell the truth.” I got it. I can see it. This person that told me that I had known for over half my life. One of my biggest stumbling blocks is that I have a difficult time speaking up when I need too. I’ve felt sometimes it’s easier to just not say anything. Or if I plan to speak up about it seems that what I want to say sounds stupid or petty. Well neither is the case because I’m not stupid or petty. Positive self esteem has always been a struggle for me for as long as I remember. I was always shy and that is something I have been working on so that my life can be more fulfilling. With mania that I experience I feel much more out going and during the depressive episodes I don’t want to see anyone. This time of year I have mixed episodes even throughout a single day. It’s exhausting. I was trying to live my life through Jelly’s. She’s fun and outgoing but I have to find my own way and my own friends. It was a great experience hanging out with her but I like my life and my tiny circle of friends. Fewer people who know the real me, the fewer people I have to judge me. I will always have Bipolar but I don’t have to suffer in silence. And Jelly Bean, I meant no harm, I needed to tell my story. I realize anonymity is crucial for you but like I said before this is about me and my experiences.
Jilly Bean the Junkie Queen
Drug abuse, Bipolar Disorder and a ruined friendship