I’ve been there, sad to say. I get to a place where I don’t care if I live or die, preferably to die. Having Bipolar 1 is a death sentence to me at times. I really don’t care to coexist with anyone. Not even my animals at times. Too needy. But that’s my job to love and care for them. They depend on me and I wouldn’t do any to make them (my pets) orphans. My children are grown and making a life for themselves. It’s the animals that keep me going.
I try to do something good for myself each day. These are the building blocks of my life. I tell myself I am worth it whatever “it” is. All my life I have been a saver, frugal, poor, messed up and fearful. Fear of change, failure, getting hurt, not measuring up to any standards. I didn’t even have my own standards. That comes with low self-esteem.
I’m fighting back. All the bullshit I endured as a child and into adulthood I am giving back. I don’t want the memories and I don’t need to relive the hurt and neglect. Having a severe mental disorder make it difficult for me to sort everything out. What I am responsible for and what others are responsible for. I was a child. He was an adult. I am not responsible for his shitty and crude behavior. Unfortunately he is still living. I don’t mean to sound hateful but there is a constant reminder of how poorly I was treated. I am at the point where I don’t care to ever see him alive again. The hurt is so painful. I never told anybody just what an ass he is. He was married to my mom for way too many years and she passed away and he is should have been the one to go. My mom was an awesome mom. I could never ask for anyone better to care for me as she did.
Even if you have gone through some horrendous episodes in your life, you can still reclaim it and recover what you have lost starting with your soul, your core being. Nobody can take anything from you that you are not willing to give up. I mean NObody. We have to reclaim ourselves, do the foot work and learn about your disease. Then you know what you are fighting against. Not yourself but the demons that control you.