When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar 1, I thought that meant I was crazy. I felt crazy after being admitted into the hospital and all medication was stopped abruptly. My body responded negatively and my blood pressure plummeted and even the nurse was concerned. This is why it’s never a good idea to stop cold turkey with any prescription drugs without the consent of your doctor. The consequences could be more serious than one could anticipate. The medication I was taking for eleven years was prescribed for depression and anxiety. I had been misdiagnosed. I was in my early 40’s when I began treatment for Bipolar Disorder.

I thought I was going to die without my medication but as it turned out, I began to start feeling something besides fear. The medication I had been taking masked my feelings and as time went on I began to experience new feelings. It was like waking up after a long nap. At first I only felt anger. It was my blanket and it felt comfortable. For the first time, I was learning to deal with my feelings as they surfaced. I had group therapy in the hospital and it was pretty awkward at first. I didn’t know what to say because my thoughts were jumbled and I felt so alone. I had never felt that alone in my entire life.

By the time my two weeks stay in the hospital ended, I was ready to make some major changes for the good in my life. I woke up from a horrible nightmare and needed to get home. Where was home? Fourteen months prior to this “awakening” I married a man I hardly knew and moved out of state with one of my children. I moved her away from anyone she ever knew. I didn’t see the insanity of it all until after my treatment in the hospital. I remember thinking “what the hell have I done.” I filed for divorce and moved back home. I still have issues to deal with and will never understand why I left my entire family for someone I only knew six months and it was a long distance relationship at that. I had to get off the roller coaster. I had the complete support of my family and I love them all for standing by me. They all could see what I was headed for but not me. I thought I was happy and making good choices. My choices affected all who loved me and today I am still trying to make amends to my loved ones. I was sick and didn’t know how sick I was until my first day in the hospital. I was sick and selfish.

I cried. I never cried. I was always trying to be tough because that was my mask. Now I wear my heart on a noose. I am very sensitive and reserved and easily hurt. Even though I filed for divorce from my first husband, I had a broken heart. It was never what I really wanted but thought I had no choice at that time. I got the ball rolling and didn’t know how to stop it. I was sicker than I knew. Most of the negative things that have happened in my live I caused. The medication I am on and therapy keeps me motivated and is doing what it’s designed to do. I have been fairly stable for the past several years now and some of the medication has been discontinued. I’m the healthiest I have ever been in my life and making healthier choices.

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