I have always had a curiosity of how people work together as well as separate. Especially when children are involved. I’m separate right now and I have a difficult time living my life alone separate from my ex although we have been separated going on several years.. Our children are grown. The entire time we were we were married was more than a friendship but not by a fraction. That was fine with me because I was not in love with him and never was although we lived together for six years before we finally tied the knot. But there was a major problem. I was still in love with my first husband. He and I began making plans to reconcile. We put money down on a used motorhome so we could take our lives on the road and see what’s out there. We were going to rebuild our lives again together. I was so happy. We didn’t tell anyone. Not long after that, the love of my life started having some major health problems. I was there for him and the kids as much as I could be. It turned out he had lung cancer and passed away eleven months later.
This entire ordeal has made me tough. I have to be tough for my children. I don’t have a lot of control over my feelings although I pay close attention to what I can and can not change. I feel like ever sence the loss, I feel cloudy and foggy in my head. He was the most wonderful giving man that I had the chance to know and I miss him terribly. It’s times like this I think of suicide. I want to be with him. My thoughts are not rational and most of the time I don’t care. He was a beautiful person with a heart so big he could fit us all in.
Death comes in many forms. The death of a dream seems abstract but it’s a real thing. It comes in depths and intensenesses, interpretation, execution and destruction. What I experienced were all of these things and more. My thinking was on the right path and we planned his funeral but today I don’t remember much of anything during that ordeal. I do remember focusing on my kids. They are and always will be the two most important people in my life.
I have a lot of making up to do to my kids. Having Bipolar Disorder has somewhat wiped the slate in my head clean. For me, Bipolar has robbed me of many memories of family and somethings I will never be able to make amends for because the memories are good forever. I’m envious when people can tell stories of their past with clarity and I can’t remember what I ate for supper the night before. I know as I get older the disease gets worse. I can already tell that over the past several years my thoughts are more and more jumbled, my “social” etiquette is poor. Sometimes I have trouble focusing on simple tasks that I have done all my life.