Somewhere along the line I lost myself. My intention is not to blame anyone but the fact that my quiet cozy little world was turned upside down a few months ago. I thought I could handle the situation but as it turns out I have managed to push a few very important people in my life away.

I don’t do this on purpose. I am protecting my space. When you’re used to being alone and all of the sudden it changes and the safety net was gone it’s alarming. This affects more than myself so I will remain rather discreet. I don’t want to hurt anyone else that I love.

I have been totally out of my comfort zone. Bipolar does distinguish between friend or foe sometimes. Anyone can be a perceived as a threat to my haven I have made for myself. It had taken awhile to get used to living on my own and I have learned to cherish that time. Everything changed in a short period of time and sent me down the rabbit hole again. I’ve lost myself in the mix of other’s lives.

The situation affected me so deeply that I am considering checking in to a hospital or treatment facility to get my meds adjusted. I haven’t had a hospital stay in quite a few years and that’s when I became toxic with my Lithium. I had a 3 day stay to get the proper fluids in my veins. I was scared to death. I thought I was going to die in the ambulance. I could feel my body rising and I couldn’t say a word, I couldn’t move. I just knew I was going die. Yes there was alcohol involved that created severe threats to some very vital organs. At that time in my life I could care less if I lived or died. This all normal for people with Bipolar 1 which is more severe that Bipolar 2.

I have never actually tried to commit suicide but the thoughts are always in the back of my mind. Truthfully, I think the more people that are educated about this severe mental illness they may be more understanding and compassionate. We and allow ourselves to be who we are and not be ashamed. We can’t always control what we do or say. We don’t think like a so called “normal” person would and that will never change and we are not at fault. Genetics plays a huge part in the inter workings of our minds. I think with the love and compassion we can learn to love ourselves and in turn learn better healthier ways of living, coping and interacting with others.

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