I catch myself wishing for things everyday. I wish I were smarter, had made better choices, had more money, more time, move of everything except the bad things in life. The things that hurt. I mostly wish that I didn’t have Bipolar 1. I wish I could say I felt normal but with this illness there will never be normal. No amount of counseling, medication or wishing will take me to that place people call normal. I have never in my life felt that I completely belong to anything, anywhere or to anyone. No groups or gatherings have made me feel that I belong. It’s no ones fault that I feel this way including myself. It’s the disease that eats me up. I take baby steps when planning something like going out to have fun. It creates a tremendous amount of anxiety in me. Having fun is something I don’t have the privilege of doing too often. It wears me down for days. And I wish that all would change if I work real hard at it. That means working hard the rest of my life to have fun. Having fun shouldn’t be work. Sometimes it easier for me to decline an invitation because of mental preparation that it involves. This may sound crazy that’s because it is crazy. All I go through everyday of my life just to try and reach that place called normal.
Taking life one day at a time and enjoying God’s gifts is a good starting point that may allow me to have a glimpse at what I am wishing for in my life. I can’t live to far in the future. It’s a gift yet to be given. I don’t focus on my illness much I just take care of the symptoms of the disease as it comes along. There are precautionary measures I take such as getting enough of everything. Sleep, food, socialization, quiet time, fun (iffy) and really try to focus on how others live and mimic what I like. I lose so many days in a week just trying to manage and stay focused on doing positive things that I enjoy doing. I may binge watch a tv show for weeks but that ok if that’s what I choose to do. Then I think to myself am I wasting my life and how can I change that. I don’t reach out to people often enough. I am stuck but I’m safe and that’s what matters to me. As long as I have what I need I’ll survive. There is plenty of room for change. I just need to figure out how to make a positive change in my life. I am happy and I am grateful for everything in my life today. All the people that love and care about me will always be in my heart. I am not wishing for anything any longer. It is what it is. And it’s great.