I look at my hands when I’m typing and wonder when did they start looking so old. My skin is crepey and my fingers are wrinkled. It makes me wonder where the time has gone. I have wasted so much precious time trying to feel better and learn how to live with Bipolar disorder. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder who am I and how did I get here? How did my life take this turn. My life has been on a narrow rocky path for as long as I can remember. I often wonder how many people feel this way and are they that good at hiding it? Is there a secret that I don’t know about. Could it be faith. I do wonder and try to live a more faith based life.
I know it’s not my fault that I have Bipolar 1, but I do need to take responsibility for how I live and what I do. I can’t blame others for my mistakes, poor choices and lack of restraint when I’m about to do something really stupid. I fight every step of the way knowing I am probably making a poor choice, again. It’s a lonely disease and I say that because many of us with Bipolar tend to push people away. And there we are, alone again. At times I prefer to be alone to gather my thoughts and review my life path. And at times when I need someone nobody is there. That’s my fault. And something I need to work on constantly, not pushing people away.
Impulsivity is a huge problem for me. I don’t thoroughly think things through, I feel things through. I make many of my decisions by how I feel and those feelings change often and therefore some of my decisions are poorly thought out. I need to give myself time when faced with a dilemma and try harder to make informed and better choices for every aspect of my life. Many choices affect others and that is something I don’t always consider. I don’t deliberatly hurt others but in retrospect I do hurt others. So when I look in the mirror and wonder who I am and how did I get here, I’ll know. If I take the time and make time for myself, I will have a clearer vision of who I am and how I got here. I will get a new, better mirror.