Some days I don’t know what to do with myself. I could imagine that some of my readers think I’m nuts. If they had the extra time they would know what to do with it. My children are grown, I don’t have grandchildren, I don’t work outside the home. I have so much free time and too much time to think about my free time. I think of Spring coming up and then I’ll have plenty to do. Winter just sucks for someone who is alone most of the time.

I don’t feel sorry for myself. It’s my choice to spend so much time alone because it’s easier and more comfortable. Winter is like my vacation from life. It’s a good excuse to not go out. Staying home and being cozy and warm is my sheild from the world. I have plenty to do around the house like writing this. I enjoy painting and crafts. I usually do everything alone and that’s ok. Come Spring though, I plan on working on friendships and doing things, fun things, with others.

I have never been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but my symptoms for Bipolar disoder criss cross and sometimes I think I may have that as well. I’m not trying to label myself. I try to understand myself and how I got to this place in my life. It’s not for lack of trying to get out there and participate in life it just feels threatening in some ways. Like driving certain places. I have only been in one car accident but the threat of another never leaves me. I can’t drive in traffic like I used to. The things that I fear are real to me.

Borderline personality disorder symptoms

Symptoms can vary from person to person. Common symptoms include:

  • Distorted self- image
  • Feelings of isolation, boredom, and emptiness
  • Mood swings, sometimes severe and sudden
  • Feelings of anxiety
  • Loss of interest in routine activities
  • Suicidal thoughts

Bipolar disorder symptoms

Symptoms can last over a period of few weeks, months, or even years.

Manic phase is characterized by:

  • Extreme happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
  • Irritability, anger, and hostile behavior
  • Restlessness
  • Rapid speech
  • Poor concentration and judgment
  • Increased energy
  • Less need for sleep
  • Unusually high sex drive
  • Setting unrealistic goals

The depressive phase may include:

  • Sadness and crying
  • Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and guilt
  • Loss of energy
  • Loss of interest in everyday activities
  • Trouble concentrating and making decisions
  • Irritability
  • Need for more sleep or sleeplessness
  • Change in appetite
  • Weight loss/gain
  • Suicidal thoughts and attempts at suicide

Patients may feel normal, without any symptoms, in between episodes of mania and depression.