On a road wandering earnestly and aimlessly, she came upon a fork in the road. She could barely see either road ahead because she had taken too many pills and the alcohol intesified the stupor she was in.

Feeling content yet disturbed at the same time, she diligently trekked on. The drugs she had taken to disguise the emotional pain are now clouding her vision as well. In her head she thinks, I’m dying and I don’t want to die. She just wanted the misery to leave but it never will for she has created her own pain and her own living hell.

She continued down the path she chose for what seemed like days but had only been hours. Praying for a car to come and hit her was all she could think about, the pain has to go. As she continues stumbling her way along the road, she came across a set of railroad tracks. Again she was at a crossroad. Deciding to venture in a different direction, she chose the railroad tracks. The sun was in her eyes as she tried to make a game of jumping the tracks back and forth tripping each time she tried. She wished for a train to come.

She finally reached the train station and she just wished that the train would get there but it was running late again. When she finally stepped up to the platform she could barely stand. The bottle of liquor she had been nursing was bone dry now. She started to feel a little sick at what her head was going through. The thoughts scattered and unclear. Her pain increased.

Her family will never know, she thought-the agony she was in and the senseless pain she endured and the pain she would put them through felt okay because it will be, to them- an accident.

She never really wanted to die but it was too late to change her mind. As the train approached the station she plotted her death even more. She teetered on the platform and reached for the handrail while the train was still in motion. Losing her balance she fell between the train cars and the train came to a screeching halt. She was not in her right mind when she made the choice to die. Too late. She is already dead. She chose the path of the train instead of the car over a life that may or may not have gotten better. She will never know. They will never know.

I Am Dead

I am dead. A stiff corpse, a heart break to the ones who love me. I see and hear the people all around my lifeless body so beautifully placed in my casket. My family is here along with my friends. I didn’t know I had so manly friends. Where were they when I needed them? I think they are here because they feel guilty. They will have to carry that guilt with them wherever they go for the rest of their lives.

It is only now that I see their pain. But where, where were they when I was alive and needed them. Were they too busy with their own lives? Did they not see my pain? Did I hide it too well?

The flowers keep coming, as are the people, people I don’t even know and the smell of death sorrounds me. Why don’t these people say those kind words to the living. It is too late.

I hope I look good for everyone and my hair is fixed nice. This will be the last time anyone ever sees me and I want to look nice and at peace.

Who has my dog and my cat? Do they know my dog has terrible anxiety and loves bones. And my cat loves catnip and drinks from the fountain in my livingroom. The have to keep adding water to it.

Will they forgive me for the hurt I have caused? It really was an accident. I don’t want to be here. What will my children do without me? Does my daughter know she is the most important person in my life along with her brother? Does my son know how very proud of him I am. I love you both.

Why should any of them forgive me? They know the truth. They also know they failed me.

Who or what could have stopped me. Nobody-nobody became my best friend. My best friend did not love me enough to stop me before I took the drugs and alcohol. She knew. She kept quiet. Nobody was with me all the time and now nobody will care for my children in my place. Nobody told my family and friends how lonely I was becasuse nobody really didn’t care. And for those of you who have nobody, please please look for somebody to talk to because now I wish somebody could have helped me. I wish I could have reached out. I wish there was a hand that reached back.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline